Communication and sharing

I cried in front of him for the first time yesterday. I hated looking so fucking vulnerable. Felt quite stupid as well. I wasn't even aware where it came from! 
Maybe it was the shock of  knowing his best friend knows stuff from my past. I totally understand why he needed her help and whatever but like shit! I didn't want to tell him in the first place! All I could think about that night I told him was "well it was fun.. now he's gonna break up with me". And now one of the most important people to him knows. I felt kind of shitty and judged. Pressure of having to be perfect felt on me like hundreds of bricks. 
Maybe it's the fact I know he liked the girl once upon a time. So I'm jealous of her... So really stupid! She helped a lot in the all process of us being a couple. She has a boyfriend (kinda) for crying out loud! Still jealous. I think is the fact he respects her so much. He was upset with me 'cause I told him I would tell her that he still smokes. I realise that I should be happy with the fact he is 100% honest with me about that particular matter (and all the rest but that's not the point) he was just really upset with me because of her (in a way but not really.. I'm sure you got the idea) And she is really pretty. Like smocking hot! I would totally have a thing for her if I was a lesbian. How can I compete with that?! 
So yeah.. Maybe it was that. 
Plus all the drama going on at home lately. I wasn't in my best shape to begin with.
And what made me break down crying was the fact he was just staring at me. I just couldn't handle it having him looking at me with a serious and concern stare. A different kind of pressure.
I just can't deal with pressure that well. 
And I hate keep thinking on what caused all the outburst but he wanted to know. How exactly was I supposed to think all this over and tell him?!
"Oh you know... I get a little jealous of your bestie and the fact you share just a personal thing instead of talking to me about it really got under my skin?"  
Ah right! 'Cause I didn't even know that the subject still was a sensible point to him! "I'm over that really" or "No seriously I'm okay with that now!" Well not that okay if he needed to share those fucking things!
And I should just say what's upsetting me when he never does?! Worst, I kept asking if he was okay. Apologizing very time I mention it accidentally and every single time he told me it was okay. Like after the first week or so he was just "no I'm fine" but if she told him to "sort that out once it for all" then he lied.
Maybe that's what really got to me. It's so rare having him telling me why he's upset or mad and actually have him talking about it. She gets to know that stuff and I... Not gonna say I never do but it's so rare. 
He says he is here to help but does he realise I'm here as well? That I want to know every thing about him and help with all the things that put him in a bad mood?

Fucking weird and incredible situations

Meeting someone's parents is always so nerve wrecking.
So many "what if"s 
Specially when you're a shy, timid person. 
But it went okay. Good. Great even. Funny.
And weird. 
Never been introduce as someone's girlfriend. It's weird. 
Being someone's girlfriend IS WEIRD. 
Don't get me wrong is amazing. Never been so fucking happy. Never been this in love with someone before. Never felt so loved before. It's an incredible feeling. 
Yet weird. It's me. There are so many kinks and too many manias and mood swigs and insecurities and a lot of bullshit that not everyone has the patience to deal with. But he does so yey him! 
Moving on!
There's a family (okay other family, god bless mine! 18 years going strong) that enjoy... me? ... my presence? Not my sense of humour that's for sure! I was making fun of and beating their son/brother all day long (it's funny but well his family may not agree with me on this one) (but I hope they do 'cause is so damn funny) 
Now for the naughty part... 
I think (I really hope so) that he understands how important it's for me that he is just as satisfied sexually as I'm. It's just unfair that I get to go home after every date feeling so fucking good and he doesn't, not in the same amount and not in the same way. Also is a fucking stab in the ego. 
It has change, however, is this last two date. inside doors playing a key factor for this. 
It was amazing. Like knowing that he's enjoying, well, me just as I'm enjoying him. Made me feel pretty good about myself. 
Also not sure how am I suppose to wait two months for IT! It's all I can think about late at night. How is gonna be, amazing but all awkward and funny just like us. All nerves and expectations and insecurities. But above all how fucking hot it will be!   

Fears in a relationship

As the relationship grows new things start to make their way into to your life. Sexual stuff as never been a taboo in my case but has proven to be something that gets me questioning a lot. 
Last time I try to please someone in that way was 3/4 years ago. Way younger, way too many hormones, way easier. 
Now is so more complicated. Or has been. 
I'm aware that self-control kicks in many occasions but what about the other times? Surroundings? Probably. But again that only explain part.
The person trying to please the other is a major factor. And that person was me. 
My knowledge for this type of stuff is almost zero when it comes to making him feel good yet so was his knowledge and daaammn if the boy can't make you happy easily. 
It's just me. Am I not good enough? Sexy enough? Sexual attractive enough? Yeah... Probably not enough. 
That's my fear. If this relationship is supposed to be a long term kind of thing then it will become a problem. 
Learning it's easy and fun. But will he think that teaching me, or whatever, will be fun and, well, worth it?